Rancid Sandwich

Cold & Flu Season

2010-11-10T21:30:00.002-05:00

12 days ago I got my first flu shot as an adult. For the past 5 days I've been sick. Coincidence? I think not.

I've given this a lot of thought over the past 3 days. I've formulated a theory that involves the makers of tissue, canned soup, ginger ale, and cough drops teaming up with pharmacies to make us all sick on a regular basis.

My theory is in the early stages, but with enough crackpot followers, and the use of the Internet I can turn this into a full blown conspiracy.

But my investigation will have to wait, I need more ginger ale to quench my thirst. Then I'll probably fall asleep again.

Once I feel better I'll have the energy to really dig into the facts. Until then keep a watchfull eye on anyone offering free flu shots.

Lessons Learned

2010-04-10T23:19:00.003-04:00

It has been over a year since my last blog entry. March 29Th 2009 feels like a lifetime ago. I ask myself "V-Man, what have you learned in the past year?" And the answer my friends is; nothing, I've learned nothing new since my last entry.

I've had several blogs over the years, and each one ended the same way, I ran out of things to complain about. I complain a lot, just ask anyone who knows me. It's not that I'm cynical, not at all, I consider myself pragmatic. I like to see things the way the actually are, I don't look at the worst case scenario, and I don't look at things through rose-colored glasses either. I just accept what is right in front of me. If what is in front of me sucks, then I tell anyone willing to listen how I feel.

I remember senior year in high school when one teacher went around the room and asked each of us what are plans were for the future. Sammy said he planned to play professional baseball, Reggie said he wanted to own a cherry red BMW, our teacher then shot down every ones dreams. He told Sammy that he'd never play pro ball because anyone who ends up in the major leagues would already be scouted for a major college. Plus our high school didn't have a sports program. The teacher was right, Sammy never played pro baseball, but he did become a male model, so he's got that going for him, which is nice.

The lesson there was dreaming is great, but if you want the dreams to come true you have to work at it. I've always had a chronic case of procrastination. I never worked to my full potential. I don't know why, but that's just how I am. I was always a good student, and a hard working employee. But those things always came easily to me, so I never put in any real effort.

Right now at work layoffs are happening on a regular basis. Many of my co-workers complain about how much our jobs suck and the relief they will feel once they get laid off. This really pisses me off. Many of my colleagues are in their 20's and this is their first full-time adult job.

Over the years I've worked push-carts at festivals, worked the wake up shift in maintenance, and unloaded trucks in the Summer. Those were hard jobs, what I do now is a cake walk. Sitting in a cubicle, inside an air conditioned building researching data may be tasking mentally, but it is in no way a tough job.

I guess my point here is I've reach that stage in life where everyone younger than me has no idea how easy they have it. And everyone older than me is cranky without good reason. I'm sort of in the middle. I'm not in my 20's anymore, and I'm not quite middle-aged yet.

I'm as smart as I will ever be, but not as experienced as I'm going to get. I wish I made a lot more money, it would be great if work was fulfilling, and I dream of being happier. But none of that is going to happen without some effort. If only I could get from point A to point D without dealing with anything in between, then life would be pretty sweet.

But life doesn't work that way. If I want to make more money, then I have to get a higher paying job. If I want to enjoy my work, then I have to figure out what I really want to do for a living. And if I want to be happier, I have to focus on the positive aspects of my life. All of that will take some real effort.

So coming full circle to the title of this post "Lessons learned" I have to actually put some effort to make things better. But I already knew that a year ago when I was sitting in Danbury Arena watching the worst wrestling show ever!

Mr. Chernovitz was right when he shot down our dreams. He was letting us know we had to get off our butts and do work, otherwise we'd never make things happen. My goal was to become an Accountant. It was an attainable dream, nothing fancy or far fetched. Then I graduated from college and realized just how boring a job it was. I could have continued to pursue that career and made more money. And each day I would have dreaded going to work. Right now I don't dread work, I just wish I made more money.

Danburymania is running mild!!

2009-03-29T00:16:00.000-04:00

I became a wrestling fan at an early age. I used to watch a few shows every year at the downtown coliseum. I had some fun times with family and friends watching the biggest stars of the 80's and early 90's perform live. I was there when Hulk Hogan made his first appearance in New Haven as the WWF champion. I was also there when WCW first decided to visit the Veteran's Memorial Coliseum.

At some point in the 80's Vince McMahon moved his wrestling operation from New Jersey to Stamford Connecticut. After that a bunch of wrestlers bought houses in the area, and performed locally on a regular basis. Connecticut was considered WWF territory by everybody who liked wrestling. Then WCW decided to give McMahon a big "screw you" by selling out a main venue in his own back yard. The show was phenomenal! Most of the major WCW stars of the day were on the card. The crowd kept going nuts watching Sting, Ricky Steamboat, the Four Horsemen and others performing.

In the mid 90's I lost interest in professional wrestling. By then there were steroid scandals, several major stars had died, and the story lines became ridiculous. When Hulk Hogan appeared in the lousy movie "No Holds Barred" I shrugged. The movie was supposed to be silly, and delivered some action and funny lines. I became upset when the actor Tiny Lister, who plays the bad guy in the movie, joined the WWF and was wrestling against the pros.

Mr. Lister is a former football player, and an intimidating guy in general, but to have him join the ranks of the WWF with no formal training was an insult to the fans. It got worse when Robocop starting appearing at matches in the WCW. I don't mean that Peter Weller showed up as a celebrity guest, I mean some guy in the Robocop suit became a wrestler. It was done to promote the movie Robocop 3, which was so bad it stalled the film series.

I've known that wrestling was fake for a long time. I was at a show one night when a stagehand came out and started adjusting a turnbuckle. During the match the good guy was standing on that particular turnbuckle, ready to leap onto his opponent, when the bolt holding it in place came loose. The good guy fell to the mat, allowing the bad guy the chance to beat on him for a while.

So at the tender age of 14 I knew for a fact that wrestling was fake. I knew wrestlers would put on the same show night after night for months on end leading up to the big shows on Pay-Per-View. I still enjoyed it though. I was still attending shows into my senior year of high school. My friend Rob was a die hard fan, he still thought wrestling was real long after the performers admitted the truth on national television.

I remember saying "Rob, wrestling is fake, Hogan admitted it on TV!" and he responded with "No, it's real, he did that because the lawyers made him say it." Rob wasn't much of a listener, he was the type of guy that would argue his point of view for hours. Most of the time he was wrong, he just assumed he was right, but never bothered to confirm his information. Once he was proven wrong, he would shrug his shoulders and say "Oh! Well it doesn't really matter anyway".

Rob was a decent guy, he was just full of himself. So much so that in the end I was the last member of our group who still hung out with him after high school was done. I remember Rob showing me his toy wrestling ring and all the action figures and belts he owned. He would hold wrestling matches in his bedroom that would last for hours. He would play the intro music, make announcements on his microphone, and play out story lines. Rob was 26 years old at the time. That right there is a true fan.

Last night I attended my first live wrestling event in almost 20 years. Danburymania is what they called it. It should have been called Suckfest 09 because it was really really sucky. My buddy Oscar told me about the show back in January. I got excited because the Nature Boy Ric Flair was working the event. When it comes to exciting the crowd with wordplay, Ric Flair is a legend. He's a talented technical wrestler, and an exciting personality.

The show started 45 minutes late. The first match involved two jobbers (no name wrestlers) throwing each other around for a few minutes. I used to joke with my dad whenever the jobbers came out to fight. I would say they needed a fill in wrestler so they would look around and say "Hey you with the mop how would you like to wrestle tonight?" or something like "Forget working the hot dog cart, put on your trunks and get into the ring!" One guy had black trunks with the word "Sweet" written on the ass in bright pink letters. I wondered if his wife knew he borrowed her sweatpants.

The second match involved a couple of local guys in their 20's who put on a solid match. They had a lot of energy, and displayed some genuine talent. Let's hope they move beyond their current circuit and get a chance to be in the big show.

I watched four matches in total, 1 was good, 1 was fair, 2 were pretty bad. It took over 2 hours to watch 4o minutes of actual wrestling. Oscar and his friend were long gone by the time Ric Flair go onto the microphone. Ric Flair was there to coach his son as he begins his professional career. The kid has the look and the moves, but he needs to work on his showmanship.

Ric Flair ended up in a long winded dialogue with John Cena's father inside the ring. After about 10 minutes of boring banter I turned to Nick and said "I'm outta here". I told his wife it was nice to meet here, and then I headed for the door. I looked around for souvenirs and didn't see anything worthwhile. I then left the arena and headed for my car. In the parking garage I saw a bunch of other people who left the show early. The main event hadn't even started yet, and several people just didn't care to wait around. Nick summarised the night best when he saw Honky Tonk and Greg Valentine and uttered "My childhood memories have just been shattered."

The event was organized by Big Time Wrestling. Apparently they have some affiliation with the WWE. They made mention of WWE personalities and story lines, but the production values were pretty low. In fact that was without a doubt the single worst wrestling show I have ever seen. Which started the following series of texts with Oscar

Oscar: "That was the worst match ever. Wow dude wow"
Me: "Worse than hogan vs ultimate warrior?"
Oscar: "Worse. I have seen corpses move better. I mean it corpses."

On the bright side I did see a few legends: Honky Tonk Man (who looks pretty good for his age) Greg the Hammer Valentine (who looks like an old woman and moves like one too) Tito Santana, Bob Backlund, and Ric Flair.

In June Rowdy Roddy Piper is scheduled to appear in CT. I mentioned it to a few of my buddies to see if anyone is interested in going. I think maybe next time I'll go to the pre-show meet and greet session and skip the show altogether. Piper is a major icon to me. When I think of wrestling greats Hot Rod ranks among the best. In an unscripted match I have no doubt that he would beat Hogan easily. The chance to shake his hand and take a picture together is worth the 70 mile ride to the arena.

I did have fun at the show, not because of the performances, but because of the sheer ridiculousness of the proceedings. Nick and I also determined that Oscar is no longer allowed to plan anything... ever.

I left my cell phone in my other car...

2009-03-17T12:04:00.001-04:00

A couple of days ago I bumped into a former co-worker. A decent, likeable, church going, overly friendly type who I hadn't seen in over ten years.

Have you ever had a chance encounter with an old friend and within minutes realize you don't have all that much to talk about? We caught up on who was working where, a quick update on his wife and kids, and some chatter about former co-workers. And that was pretty much it. Nearly 11 years apart, and we were all caught up in about 10 minutes.

Then came that awkward moment where you feel compelled to exchange numbers so that at some point in the future you might make plans for dinner or a drink. I paused for a moment and thought about saying I left my phone in the car, which would make it just impossible to get his number. He had his phone at the ready of course, which was obvious by the bluetooth clipped to his ear.

On the one hand I was glad to see him, and find out things are going well in his life. At the same time we've managed to go this long without so much as an e-mail and still remain on good terms. Why mess up a friendship that works by actually spending time together?

I can see Russia from my house!

2009-01-18T22:18:00.000-05:00

I'm not very active politically. In fact I've only recently registered to vote. I do however want to make some statement before the inauguration of President-Elect Barack Obama. Not about Mr. Obama but about the historic election that took place two months ago. In particular about Governor Sarah Palin.

I know a lot of women who cringe at the mention of Governor Palin. They see her as a huge step backward for the modern American woman. Many felt she was clueless about international policy, completely unsuited for the job of Vice President, and way too cutesy to be taken seriously.

The following opinion I'm going to give probably won't prove popular, but I'd rather be honest than pander. I think Governor Palin is much smarter and capable than she let on. And that she is, in fact, capable of handling the duties of America's Veep.

I can remember the election campaigns going back to the late 70's, and often candidates would play the role of simple small town folk to gain votes. Jimmy Carter played up the fact that he was a peanut farmer from Georgia with a mild demeanor. He was also a millionaire, state senator, and governor with enough savvy to gain the top job in the country.

Ronald Reagan was an aw shucks cowboy with the ability to relate to the average person. He too was a millionaire, Governor, actor, and Hollywood personality.

George H.W. Bush positioned himself as a Texas farmer going against the "Media Elite" during the 1992 election. He was also head of the C.I.A. and a billionaire oil magnate. He was about as elite as it gets in this world.

Every one of these guys made it to the top office by playing up their regular guy personalities. This strategy worked for decades up through the 1996 national elections. This is where I think things changed dramatically. By 1997 the average American became more savvy to the media and the sheer volume of bullshit that was thrown their way. Thanks to the Internet, cell phones, Wikipedia, Google and many other tools we were able to find out a lot more than the candidates were telling us. And we could share it instantly with everyone we knew.

The McCain-Palin strategy team made a huge miscalculation when reading the mood of the
American people. McCain came across as a cranky old man out of touch with the average person and with modern technology. They positioned Palin as the small town girl, former beauty queen, who managed to become governor through spunk and a winning personality. And that was a major mistake.

The modern American woman, in my opinion, sees herself as strong, independent, intelligent, knowledgeable, qualified to handle any task or situation that presents itself. So watching Mrs. Palin come across as Governor Barbie was a major slap in the face of female voters. The Republican team dumbed down Governor Palin to increase her appeal, and instead turned off millions of voters.

I don't think Governor Palin deserved all the ridicule she received. Much of the fault lies with the outdated strategy the Republican team used. If she runs for President in 2012 she will need to change her image drastically.

Shut up and bleed!

2008-12-27T21:13:00.000-05:00

I don't usually review movies, I leave that up to these fine folks:
http://usednews4u.blogspot.com/
http://deathrayweekly.com/
http://thestarwarsloversfilmblog.blogspot.com/
http://mybodymovies.blogspot.com/

But tonight I saw a movie so bad I started composing this blog during the first act. That movie was The Spirit. My buddy Steve and I decided to see a movie today; I figured we'd watch The Spirit since we're both fans of graphic novels. I went in with low expectations and was surprised at just how awful this movie is.

Let me put it this way: The Spirit is shit.

Without a doubt the worst movie I saw in 2008. This is opening weekend, a Saturday showing, and 15 people bought tickets. 3 of the 15 walked out before it was half over. Steve and I both contemplated leaving, but neither spoke up, so we sat there stupefied.

I can count three things this movie has going for it:

The Wolverine trailer before the feature film
Impressive visuals
Eva Mendes' incredibly hot body

This quote will some up what I'm feeling:

"The only halfway interesting question is why the thing exists at all" A.O. Scott

The Princess Bride of Frankenstein

2008-11-20T22:08:00.000-05:00

I love movies, I like puns, and I have wacky imaginative friends. When you mix the three you get a list of puntastical movie titles that will bring you a laugh or two. The problem is once you get started you open the floodgates and the ideas start flying around pretty fast. Enjoy the list, I credited the authors accordingly, they deserve credit for their cleverness.

Since it's my blog I'll list my stuff first:
The Breakfast Club Dread
Serenidipity
A League of their own Extraordinary Gentlemen
Smokey and the Time Bandits
The Fast and the Furian
The Da Vinci Code of Vengeance
Soul Men in Black
Eagle Eye Cherry
The Secret Life of Bea Arthur
Hellboy 2: Golden Army of Darkness
Apollo the 13th
Sex & the Chipmunks
You Don't Mess with the Zoolander
Weekend at Mississippi Burning

My friend Marissa contributed the following:
Don't be a Menace to South Central while Drinking Your Beetlejuice
Children of 3 Men and a Baby
View to a Kill a Mockingbird
7,8,9 to 5
Super Mario Brothers McMullen
Interview with the Vampire in Brooklyn
Land Before a Time to Kill

Chris the Sanman offered up these gems:
Huey Lewis and the Newsies
Executive Decision Beneath the Planet of the Apes
Little Big League of Extraordinary Gentlemen
Bridges of Orange County to Terabithia

My buddy Sean added the following:
Madagascarface
Fast Times at Ridgemont High School Musical
Down and out in Beverly Hills Chihuahua
First Night at the Roxbury
Dark Knights Tale
Freaky Friday the 13th
Three Men and Rosemary's Baby
There will be Bloodsport
Wild Wild Westworld
Madness of King Ralph
Spy Kids who Shagged Me
Animal House on Haunted Hill
Judgement Night at the Roxbury

Sean & Chris separately came up with:
A Nightmare before Christmas on Elm Street

Sean & I both had this idea:
The Rocky Balboa Picture Show

When I told Sean I was posting this list he warned me that I had opened the floodgates of ideas and he came up with these on the spot:
Apple Dumpling Gangs of New York
Freejack City

As I sit here trying to come up with an ending for this post, all I keep thinking about is: Dan Akroyd and Kiss in Doctor Detroit Rock City, and Bill Cosby in Ghostbuster Dad. I guess there is no end to this list.

I am the Monarch of the sea...

2008-11-11T21:00:00.000-05:00

Last weekend I had the chance to see Raiders of the Lost Ark on the big screen. I've seen the movie before, but it was always on TV, watching it in a theater gave me a different perspective. I don't refer to it by the bastardized title "Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark" because technically speaking Indy is one of the raiders. Sure Belloq and the Nazi's had some evil intentions, but Indy entered the well with Sallah to reach the Ark first.

I hadn't seen Raiders in it's entirety since high school, so there were whole sequences I had forgotten about. It was almost like seeing the movie for the first time, and I was surprised at how well the movie holds up. It's still funny, fast paced, and entirely enjoyable. If it were a new movie, I would place it near the top of my list for best movie of the year.

After the show we made a few quips about the onscreen action. Here are few things I thought about during and after the movie:

Government Agents: Now Doctor Jones you and Abner Ravenwood were very close for many years, why exactly did you lose touch?
Indy: I've been wondering that for ten years. He was my mentor and best friend for so long. He taught me more about Archeology than any one else. We were inseparable... then I banged his teenaged daughter and dumped her. After that he wouldn't return my phone calls or letters... he never bothered to explain why our friendship ended. It's the one mystery I've never been able to solve.

Sallah: Asps! Very dangerous. You go first!
Digger: Hey Indy, me and the other guys were wondering if you could grab a few snakes on the way back up. We've been digging all night without a break and we're kinda hungry. It would be great if you could bring up four decent sized snakes. We'll get the water boiling while you and Sallah desecrate the Well of Souls.
Indy: Snakes! Why did it have to be snakes?
Digger: Don't be a baby about it, just snap their necks when you get down there, then stuff them in your pockets before we pull you up.

Indy: I've been wondering, all through this adventure you keep getting kidnapped, when I come to save you you're wearing a new outfit. When I get captured I get a vicious beating... what's going on?
Marion: Maybe if you put out they'd treat you better.

Belloq: How odd that it should end this way for us, after so many stimulating encounters. I almost regret it. Where shall I find a new adversary so close to my own level?
Indy: Try the local sewer.
Belloq: You and I are very much alike..... Archaeology is our religion. Yet we have both fallen from the pure faith. Our methods have not differed as much as you pretend. I am a shadowy reflection of you. It would take only a nudge to make you like me, to push you out of the light.
Indy: Now you're getting nasty... I have a strange feeling that many years from now Christian Bale and Heath Ledger are going to have a similar conversation.

Indy: Hey Lando why are we stopped... er... I mean Katanga, why did you stop the ship.
Captain Katanga: There's a German U-boat on the starboard side. Maybe you should go hide while I deal with the Imperial troopers.
Colonel Dietrich: We will search your ship, capture Dr. Jones, and take the Ark.
Captain Katanga: Dr. Jones isn't on the ship, you can have the Ark, but leave the girl she's very valuable where we are going.
Colonel Dietrich: We'll take whatever we want, and you'll be lucky if we don't sink your vessel.
Captain Katanga: This deal is getting worse by the minute!

Anyone who is a fan of Indiana Jones and Star Wars have noticed the similarities between the movies. Han = Indy, Leia = Marion, Chewbacca = Sallah, Colonel Dietrich = Grand Moff Tarkin, Hitler = Palpatin, Katanga = Lando, Toht + Belloq = Darth Vader.

Which proves my theory that George Lucas only had a couple of good ideas back in the 70's and he's been milking them ever since.

A disturbance in the Force...

2008-11-10T19:58:00.000-05:00

This morning before I left for work I decided to leave the living room door shut. I usually leave it open, but I didn't know how cool it would get tonight, and it made sense to shut the door to keep the area warm.

When I came home I had the sense that something was different. I noticed that some of the stuff on my bookshelf was moved. As soon as I noticed Anakin Skywalker lying flat on the shelf, I knew something had disturbed my inner sanctum.

I heard a light tapping sound coming from the steps that lead from the living room to the back hallway. At first I thought it might be the dog scratching around trying to get attention. Then a black bird flew from the darkened steps into the living room. With my lightning quick Ninja-like reflexes I left the room to find someone else to deal with the bird.

For some reason my nephew/neighbor Will wasn't around to handle this situation. Even if he were against killing the bird, he could let his pit bull loose to eat the intruder. It wouldn't be the first small animal Tiny has consumed, in fact he was instrumental in dealing with the squirrel infestation of 2004.

With no one to give an assist I realized it was up to me to take care of this pesky problem. There was no time to figure out how the bird got in, the only goal was to get rid of it ASAP. I opened the living room window, and figured the bird would instinctively fly out. No dice! He decided to go exploring in my apartment instead. All day he was trapped between the living room and the back stairs, and now he had the chance to look around. While he was in the hall closet, I went around shutting doors and turning off lights, then I blocked the path to the front hall. He flew to the living room and stopped on the coffee table. He then leapt to the window sill. I then waved my hands toward him and he flew out of the window. I figured with the bird gone, things could return to normal...

Yesterday I had poured a soda while watching a movie, and left the empty ice tray on the coffee table. I planned to fill the tray and put it back in the freezer, but I never got around to it. When I picked up the tray today I noticed the bird had left me several surprises. The bastard pooped in my ice tray... IN MY ICE TRAY... lousy son-of-a-bitch!!

You win this round Mr. Bird.

I couldn't find the exact species of bird that visited me today, so I used a picture of a pterodactyl instead. Just imagine the pterodactyl much smaller, black, covered in spots, and pooping in my ice tray.

Thats disgusting. Its enough to put you off your food

2008-10-12T02:35:00.000-04:00

Was Stanley Kubrik a genius or is he overrated? I'll answer that question later.

Kubrik's movies were usually based on novels, I haven't read any of the novels. So my opinion on his work is based solely on the movies he produced, and not on a comparison to the source material.
I've seen the following Kubrik movies all the way through: Dr. Strangelove, A Clockwork Orange, The Shining, Full Metal Jacket, and Eyes Wide Shut. I also watched a fair amount of 2001, but never finished the movie.

Based on those films I say Kubrik was a technical genius. He knew how to create images that shocked, surprised, scared, and amazed the audience. He was a visionary when it came to storytelling. And he had a great ear for background music.

I also think his movies are boring. They just don't speak to me at all. I just don't understand what all the fuss is about.

Dr. Strangelove is a great satire, the characters are vivid and absurd. I've watched the movie a few times and enjoyed it. As a whole it's just too much, at some point he went past showing how ridiculous people can be and the characters weren't believable anymore. I never found it funny when Dr. Strangelove is sitting in his wheelchair fighting his natural instinct to spit out Nazi rhetoric, and results in biting his own hand. I like the movie, but I'd never buy it, or have any plans to re watch it anytime soon.

2001 felt like a waste of time. I realize Kubrik liked showing the mundane aspects of life, even in the future. But why show so much of it, why not get the story moving? An urban legend endures that you have to be tripping on acid to really appreciate the movie. I say it will still suck no matter what you're on. Sure it was innovative film making, and he was careful to make the science accurate, but why didn't he make it enjoyable?

A Clockwork Orange is a hard film to sit through. The first time I watched it was about 20 years ago and it was disturbing. I re watched it tonight at a midnight screening and it was almost like seeing it for the first time. I had forgotten how slow the movie was. I never forgot how violent it was, or how terrible all the characters were. It is a good movie, in the sense that it tells its story and gets you thinking. I applaud the technique that Kubrik used, and his ability to keep shocking the audience. I guess what I don't like is that Kubrik showed people at their worst, and it was a reminder of the terrible things humans do to others, and themselves. I don't think I'll be watching this movie again.

The Shining scared me when I was a kid. As an adult I don't find it scary. I think it's good, but not great. I'm not a big fan of Jack Nicholson, never have been. All of his characters just seem like slight variations of his actual personality. Whenever I see Nicholson in an interview or a documentary he comes across as a sweet, funny guy who enjoys life to the fullest. Yet on screen I see some creep who I would avoid in real life. Jack Nicholson creeps me out more than the ghosts do in the movie. In my opinion Shelly Duvall's character should have grabbed the knife long before they got to the Overlook.

So much time is spent showing us long empty hallways, and mundane tasks. I spend enough time doing my own mundane tasks, I don't need to see them in movies. Whenever I see the beginning of The Shinning I think about how Ridley Scott borrowed extra footage from this movie to add to Blade Runner. Then I feel like re watching Blade Runner because I enjoy it much more than The Shining.

A friend at work used to talk about Full Metal Jacket. Josh compared himself to Joker, and me to Gomer Pyle. I never felt that I fit the Gomer Pyle character. Now Josh does fit the Joker role, he's a likable guy who's smart and he uses his humor to point out the absurd. He's the kind of guy you want to get to know, and is good for insightful conversation. Gomer Pyle is stupid, weak willed, inept, a total embarrassment to himself and his unit. He eventually has a mental breakdown, shoots his Drill Sergeant, and then kills himself. So when Josh compared me to that character I was insulted. Josh is fortunate that we aren't in the military, because that day would have found us hashing out our differences in the boxing ring.

The most enduring character is Gomer Pyle, because you see what stress does to his character. I thought the part where they were training was good, then lost interest when the rest of the movie focused on Joker. I just didn't care about some smart ass reporter making wisecracks while people are dying all around him. BTW Josh, if you're reading this, if I ever had joined the military I would have been an exemplary soldier. Witnessed by my ability to adapt to difficult situations like working with jerks like you and managing to maintain my composure.

Eyes Wide Shut was awful, just awful. One time I had a waking dream and in it Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman had some actual romantic chemistry. Then I realized I was just fantasizing about a much better viewing experience. It was 90 minutes shorter, the plot made sense, and it was called "Silk Stalkings" which was a TV show on CBS and USA which did the same type of story for 8 seasons. 2 homicide detectives in Palm Beach, Florida investigated murders among the rich and horny. Silk Stalkings first aired in 1991, and ended it's run a few months before Eyes Wide Shut came out. So in effect it was the unintentional sub-par movie sequel to a much better TV show.

My issue with Kubrik's films are that he seemed to have no emotional interest in what he was showing. He created techniques that are studied and copied by directors all over the world. His movies are held in high regard by millions. Yet all his movies leave me uneasy, because there just doesn't seem to be any redemption involved. I think in the end most people would like to think that they are good at heart, and they will make amends to everyone they care about. With Stanley Kubrik movies the people looking to make amends are suckers. I don't think he liked people very much.

Why so many movies suck.

2008-10-06T20:50:00.000-04:00

I am a movie fan. I've seen over a thousand movies in the last 11 years mostly while working at a movie theater. I managed to see so many movies by avoiding what bores me; like watching baseball, football, auto racing, and other stuff like that. Often the subject of movies comes up at work, and someone will make an arcane reference that few people will get. When someone does recognize the reference, then you know you've found a kindred spirit.

Everyone has some topic they are devoted to, and their interest can become obsessive. If you ask the average sports fan about their teams, they can rattle off statistics, player names, and rituals they perform to ensure victory. No matter how many times you wear your "lucky" socks, and spin around before you sit down, you have no effect on the outcome of the game.
The great thing about being a movie fan is we get out of the house on the weekends. I can't imagine sitting around on a Sunday afternoon watching football for 3 hours, just to get 30 minutes of action, and 30 minutes of commercial. Which leaves 2 hours of?

I don't generally bash sports, or any hobbies. I figure we all need our releases from the daily grind. So when we find something we truly enjoy, we try to get as much as possible.

Having seen so many movies I've reached the point where I can often figure out in the first 15 minutes where the story is headed. Most movies are badly written, and aim for familiar goals. Take something that has already worked, add a spin, and make your movie. Or take something that's more than 20 years old and remake it with a young attractive cast. It doesn't matter if they're talented, just have them wear revealing clothes.

Most studios release movies to appeal to the widest audience possible, which makes perfect business sense. If you spend $200 million dollars on a product, you expect to make a profit, which means getting a lot of people to spend money. The problem is these movies usually suck balls.

I remember when Charlie's Angels came out. I thought it was amusing, but not very good. 3 young, attractive women run around in tight outfits that show off the goods. Then they make bad puns, drive fast, and never bother with logic, physics or coherence. The movie was garbage, and it made a fortune. A few years later the sequel came out and it was one of the worst pieces of crap I've ever seen. They didn't bother with a story, instead they just threw a lot of money on the screen in dozens of unrelated scenes that moved so fast you couldn't follow what was happening. It was fast, loud, silly, expensive, and a lot of people went to see it, then bought the DVD.

The goal of any filmmaker is to tell a story and get people to watch it and enjoy. The problem, as I see it, is the average movie is no longer concerned with a great story but with a dizzying array of effects that draws your attention away from the lack of story. There is plenty happening, but it doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

A great example is the Star Wars saga. Back in the 70's George Lucas had to scrape together a small budget to make the first movie. He and his crew had to create technology in order to make A New Hope. Lucas lifted characters, scenes, and plot lines from any number of sources and created a phenomenon. Fast forward to 1999 when Lucas spent over $100 million to make the Phantom Menace and it was terrible. The same guy wrote and produced both movies, yet somehow he went from a visionary filmmaker to a hack in 20 years.

I was so upset watching The Phantom Menace I walked out of the auditorium and paced the hallway wondering WTF? The last time I was that disappointed was when I saw Star Trek: The Motion Picture. I couldn't believe how boring it was. Did anyone read the script before they started shooting? Star Trek was a cheesy TV show, and produced dozens of classic episodes. 10 years later they had a huge budget and produced a lousy movie. How?

They didn't set out to make great movies, they decided to make an okay movie that would draw in more than just the die hard fans. They figure if the movie is too wrapped up in the mythology, then the average person might not go, so they make it as easy to follow as possible. A problem easily solved by having a coherent script.

Earlier this year I saw Serenity for the first time at a midnight screening. The entire budget for this movie was about 1/4th of what The Phantom Menace cost, and it kicked ass. Well written, talented cast, plenty of action and special effects. The Firefly TV show that it was based on was cancelled way too soon. There were plenty of stories to tell in that universe. Unfortunately the movie didn't do well, so it's unlikely there will be a sequel. But I'd rather have one great movie to enjoy several times over the years, than have substandard sequels spit out every few years until the creative well runs dry *cough* Star Wars *cough*

If the writing is good, it won't matter if people are familiar with the mythology. They can come in and enjoy what's happening right now. But the writing seems to be an afterthought.

Lately I find the movies that I enjoy most were made with tight budget restrictions, didn't have major A list stars when made, or even included an abundance of explosions and nudity. It's usually some guy trying to make it through life. A lot of conversation, and maybe a few lessons are learned. Someone might think that's a boring scenario for a movie, but I just described the basic premise for The Godfather, Glengarry Glen Ross, Superbad, Jaws, Superman, Garden State, Pulp Fiction, The Big Lebowski and a bunch of other great films.

More people are aiming for Charlies Angels: Full Throttle instead of Glengarry Glen Ross, and that is why so many movies suck.

...and that's how they get you!

2008-09-22T16:34:00.000-04:00

Last Christmas I received a compilation CD from a friend. Inside was a certificate for 12 free issues of Rolling Stone magazine. It was a sweet deal for me, free tunes and free reading material.

As part of the promotional offer there was a provision for automatic renewals after the free period ended. I would continue to receive issues at the low price of $12.95 per year unless I contacted Rolling Stone and cancelled the subscription. I kept getting issues, which I would read, and then I would throw away the renewal notices.

As it turns out Rolling Stone magazine sucks. I used to read the magazine back in the late 80's and early 90's. It used to be chock full of insightful political articles, and would spotlight artists and American culture. Now it's a bad imitation of Entertainment Weekly (a magazine I like).

I was talking to a co-worker recently, and he agreed that Rolling Stone hasn't been a worthwhile magazine for years. But I should pay the renewal bill otherwise it will affect my credit, in his words "You'll end up unemployed, broke, and miserable" to which I responded "So the only thing that will change is I'll be unemployed" We then had a good laugh.

I contacted Rolling Stone, and so far they've acknowledged that they received my inquiry, but still there is no resolution to the problem. If Nick is correct, and I think he is, by not reading the fine print before I mailed the coupon, and failing to contact them before the summer started, I obligated myself to another year of their crappy magazine.

Some would wonder why I would get so worked up about 13 bucks, it's not the money so much but the principal. By relying on my laziness they were able to get money out of me that otherwise they would never have received. I work as an analyst, I can't be throwing around money all willy-nilly. They won this round with their "free offer" and their "Velvet Rope Guarantee" by hiding all the pertinent information in the small print, and that's how they get you those sons of bitches!

Excuse me, I have to go write a check, it will be an experience filled with bitterness and resentment. But a valuable lesson will be learned; never subscribe to anything... except for this blog.

Elect this!

2008-09-09T20:37:00.000-04:00

Recently I registered to vote for the first time.
I've been eligible for many years, but never became part of the process. I've heard the phrase countless times "If you don’t vote, you have no right to complain about the outcome."
The people I hear complaining the most are the ones who've been voting for years.

The way I see it, the people who have voted in the past are the one's to blame for the present state of America. They should quit bitching about stuff and convince more people to register. In 2002 only 69% of eligible voters were registered. Nearly a third of Americans just don't bother to vote. They've grown apathetic over who's running the country.

So now we have a historic choice in 2008. Either a man of color will be president, or a woman will be vice-president. I'm not going to write who I'm voting for, because that's still up in the air. Neither gender nor race will be the deciding factor. It will come down to the issues, as long as the issues are broken down into simple colored charts in USA Today.

In my opinion we should end the war, concentrate on renewable fuel sources, Americas infrastructure, education, and maintain a livable wage.
In regards to:

Immigration: Register for citizenship, get a job, follow the rules or get out!
Healthcare costs: National healthcare is a proven system, let's institute one here.
College: A lot of stupid people have degrees, which makes a degree worthless. Let's weed out the boneheads by increasing the standards of higher education. And limit the amount of time you can attend any one school to 5 years. No more professional students.
Fuel prices: Federal mandates on fuel economy for all vehicles sold in America, and subsidized pricing on electric vehicles.
Same sex unions: Two people who love each other want to make a legal commitment for emotional and financial reasons. I have no objections to that, look how happy it made Ellen Degeneres. Doesn't everyone want to be as happy as Ellen?
Gun control: I'm in favor of any law that keeps guns out of the hands of maniacs. But I'm against any law that prevents me from owning a gun.

The election won't be decided on my one vote. But this year I've decided to cast one anyway, because it's more important than ever to get involved in the policy that's shaping our world. If in four years things are worse than they are now, then I'll join the chorus of complainers bitching about how great things used to be in the old days.

Oh that glorious past where children played in the streets, the budget was balanced, the air was clean, and we all walked along hand in hand whistling a happy tune... you remember those days right?

Witches, weirdos and whatnot

2008-09-03T21:33:00.001-04:00

My family believes in ghosts, witchcraft, praying to idols, and possession. I don't believe in any of that myself, mainly because I haven't seen anything to suggest it is real. One of my older sisters claimed a cardboard cutout spoke to her one night at our aunt's house, she freaked out and ran home in the middle of the night. She also had a heavy drug, and alcohol problem back then so I have some doubts to the story's validity.

My grandmother was a practitioner of Carribean magic, and so was my mother and to a lesser extent my four sisters. Every month our grandfather would put incense in an old coffee can, then light it inside the kitchen. It was done to ward off evil spirits.
The only thing it managed to do was fill the house with a thick cloud of possibly toxic smoke. Now that I think back to those days, we went through a lot of parakeets during the 80's. We got a discount by buying them in pairs, after a while I didn't even bury them anymore, I just flushed them.

Grandma's bedroom had a bunch of wooden statues to represent various saints. I always wondered how she justified being Catholic and practicing magic. They just seemed like opposing ideologies. I never discussed it with her because I was a kid at the time, and she didn't speak English. You'd figure after spending 30 years in Connecticut she'd learn at least some conversational English.

Anywho, every month the idols would receive an offering. Cigar smoke for some, and a shot of rum for others. Problem was our grandparents didn't smoke, so it was up to the grand kids to light the cigars and blow smoke onto the statues. As a bonus there was a glass of cheap rum to wash away the aftertaste of the even cheaper cigar. Looking back I wonder if they sent the wrong message by letting underage kids drink hard liquor and smoke while praying to false idols. Even as a little kid it seemed strange to me, I refused to participate. Which just meant more rum for my siblings, so it was a win-win situation all around.

Once in high school I was visiting our cousin Margie, I went to use the bathroom and there was a turtle floating in the sink. When I asked about it, I got the following response "You didn't touch it did you?" I went home and mentioned it to our mother who responded with "You didn't touch it did you?" I still don't know what the turtle was for; I can only guess it was for a spell Margie was working. Last year I told that story to my nephew Mike, who asked his mother why someone would keep a turtle floating in the bathroom sink, and Jennie asked "Your uncle didn't touch the turtle did he?" Our cousin Margie currently keeps a coconut in her front hall, and a bowl of water under her couch. Why? I have no idea, all I know is not to touch them EVER!

My sister Martha carried a petrified cat's eye for several years. I think it was meant to be a good luck charm, although it didn't help the cat any. It was a gift from our mother, who bought it at the local bodega. If you're not familiar with a bodega, it's kind of like a Puerto Rican version of a mini-mall. In one tiny store you can buy a sandwich, lottery tickets, living room furniture, a cell phone, do a money transfer, and pay your utility bills. It's usually near a barber shop that sells bootleg cd's and dvd's. And in close proximity to the nail salon that also has a tattoo artist on staff. On a Friday afternoon you can do most of your shopping within a two block radius, including buying a can of money spray. If you play the numbers you got to have some money spray otherwise you just won't win.

My skepticism is ground in the fact that I never saw anyone prosper from practicing magic. I knew a guy years ago who was bright, funny, well read, and got along with everyone. On the weekends he would dress in black and meet his friends at the cemetary at midnight. I didn't make fun of him for it, I just wondered how he managed to put so much energy and expense into his hobbies, yet was 32 years old and lived in his parents basement. How about conjuring up a full time job?

If magic is in fact real, then why aren't we all using it every day of our lives. There should be schools dedicated to teaching us the "Dark Arts", and competitions should be held. Some sort of governing body would have to be created to keep abuses to a minimum. I just realized I was describing the world of Harry Potter... and if it were real, it would be amazing.

Like I wrote earlier I'm a skeptic. Considering all the resources the women in my family have poured into magic, I ask "Where are the riches; where's the true love, where's the vengeance brought onto their enemies?" I imagine much of the belief system is based on superstition, and old world customs.

I do however believe in God... and the Force. But I refute the existence of midi-chlorians!

The hijinks that make my day enjoyable

2008-08-26T19:42:00.000-04:00

Here is an excerpt from a conversation I had today with my good friend Chris Sanford, the topic started with a trip to see Tropic Thunder on discount Tuesday. BTW Chris has a podcast that you should check out http://www.deathrayweekly.com/ If you like movies, graphic novels, and television then this is the place for you.

From: Mike
To: Christopher
So let it be written, so let it be done.
{Mental note, stop by pharmacy and buy cheap candy to sneak in to movie}

From: Christopher
To: Mike
Thus spake the fierce one, and all did rejoice in his wake. Merriment and candy were had, licorice flowed like wine, and skies quaked with laughter.
PS. Did you listen to the latest update on DRW?

From: Mike
To: Christopher
I didn’t get a chance yet, I’m swamped with work and have a meeting, I barely have a moment to myself anymore. When will all this work end?! I’ll take a listen this afternoon, between lunch, and 2nd nap.

From: Christopher
To: Mike
Yeah, where would I be in life without 2nd nap. I just don’t know if I’d be rested enough to make it to 3rd nap.

From: Mike
To: Christopher
One time I went an entire work day without a single nap. By the time I got home at 5:30 I was exhausted. I barely had the energy to speed dial Domino’s for my weekly 5-5-5 deal. Luckily Delivery Guy (I don’t know his actual name) became alarmed when I hadn’t called in, he quickly responded by calling me to see if I was all right. I was so touched by the concern I gave him a full 15% tip, which was much more than my usual 0% tip. Let this be a lesson to all who read this, never skimp on sleep, and be nice to Delivery Guy. Ever since I started tipping him, my pizzas have been 95% spit free, and 85% free of rat turds.

From: Christopher
To: Mike
See… now I am failing to see the point in this story, because it ends badly for you too, since on a dominos pizza the only flavor comes from spit and turds. Without it you are just eating cardboard

From: Mike
To: Christopher
LMFAO!!!

"Hypothetical" day at the office

2008-08-24T17:36:00.000-04:00

Punch in
Eat breakfast
Check personal e-mail, respond immediately
Check company e-mail, delete immediately
Pick up assignment for the day
Use Internet
Go to bathroom
Take morning break
Talk to friend in neighboring cube
Put in a solid 90 minutes of work while listening to shows on Hulu
Lunch
Awkward banter with knife wielding co-worker, end conversation abruptly and avoid for several days
Ponder whether she really will slice my throat and eat my face, hope she is just kidding
Trade humorous e-mails with friends in other departments
Continue to ponder why co-worker alternates between incredible sweet, and maniacal in the span of only a few minutes, make mental note to buy pepper spray in case she wasn't joking about attacking me with her pocket knife
Complete 30 uninterrupted minutes of work for corporate machine
Listen to supervisors grand schemes to make money so he can purchase a boat
Afternoon break
60 minutes of work, then a meeting
Read Hollywood gossip online
Complain that there is too much work to do and barely enough time to do it all
Finish day's assignment, and make notes for next day's tasks
Punch out
Use internet while waiting for the parking garage to empty out

First entry of a new blog

2008-08-22T17:57:00.000-04:00

I got nothing for a topic. Except for complaining, which I do too much of already. So I'll just start of with a favorite quote. It's not an exact quote, but it'll do for my purposes. My only goals for blogging are to vent my anger, amuse others, and point the spotlight at the ridiculous. Sure I might sound bitter, angry, or just strange, but that's all the stuff I find funny. And when you can laugh at a bad day, then you can handle almost anything.

"Where laughter is present, there is an absence of fear."