Danburymania is running mild!!

I became a wrestling fan at an early age. I used to watch a few shows every year at the downtown coliseum. I had some fun times with family and friends watching the biggest stars of the 80's and early 90's perform live. I was there when Hulk Hogan made his first appearance in New Haven as the WWF champion. I was also there when WCW first decided to visit the Veteran's Memorial Coliseum.

At some point in the 80's Vince McMahon moved his wrestling operation from New Jersey to Stamford Connecticut. After that a bunch of wrestlers bought houses in the area, and performed locally on a regular basis. Connecticut was considered WWF territory by everybody who liked wrestling. Then WCW decided to give McMahon a big "screw you" by selling out a main venue in his own back yard. The show was phenomenal! Most of the major WCW stars of the day were on the card. The crowd kept going nuts watching Sting, Ricky Steamboat, the Four Horsemen and others performing.

In the mid 90's I lost interest in professional wrestling. By then there were steroid scandals, several major stars had died, and the story lines became ridiculous. When Hulk Hogan appeared in the lousy movie "No Holds Barred" I shrugged. The movie was supposed to be silly, and delivered some action and funny lines. I became upset when the actor Tiny Lister, who plays the bad guy in the movie, joined the WWF and was wrestling against the pros.

Mr. Lister is a former football player, and an intimidating guy in general, but to have him join the ranks of the WWF with no formal training was an insult to the fans. It got worse when Robocop starting appearing at matches in the WCW. I don't mean that Peter Weller showed up as a celebrity guest, I mean some guy in the Robocop suit became a wrestler. It was done to promote the movie Robocop 3, which was so bad it stalled the film series.

I've known that wrestling was fake for a long time. I was at a show one night when a stagehand came out and started adjusting a turnbuckle. During the match the good guy was standing on that particular turnbuckle, ready to leap onto his opponent, when the bolt holding it in place came loose. The good guy fell to the mat, allowing the bad guy the chance to beat on him for a while.

So at the tender age of 14 I knew for a fact that wrestling was fake. I knew wrestlers would put on the same show night after night for months on end leading up to the big shows on Pay-Per-View. I still enjoyed it though. I was still attending shows into my senior year of high school. My friend Rob was a die hard fan, he still thought wrestling was real long after the performers admitted the truth on national television.

I remember saying "Rob, wrestling is fake, Hogan admitted it on TV!" and he responded with "No, it's real, he did that because the lawyers made him say it." Rob wasn't much of a listener, he was the type of guy that would argue his point of view for hours. Most of the time he was wrong, he just assumed he was right, but never bothered to confirm his information. Once he was proven wrong, he would shrug his shoulders and say "Oh! Well it doesn't really matter anyway".

Rob was a decent guy, he was just full of himself. So much so that in the end I was the last member of our group who still hung out with him after high school was done. I remember Rob showing me his toy wrestling ring and all the action figures and belts he owned. He would hold wrestling matches in his bedroom that would last for hours. He would play the intro music, make announcements on his microphone, and play out story lines. Rob was 26 years old at the time. That right there is a true fan.

Last night I attended my first live wrestling event in almost 20 years. Danburymania is what they called it. It should have been called Suckfest 09 because it was really really sucky. My buddy Oscar told me about the show back in January. I got excited because the Nature Boy Ric Flair was working the event. When it comes to exciting the crowd with wordplay, Ric Flair is a legend. He's a talented technical wrestler, and an exciting personality.

The show started 45 minutes late. The first match involved two jobbers (no name wrestlers) throwing each other around for a few minutes. I used to joke with my dad whenever the jobbers came out to fight. I would say they needed a fill in wrestler so they would look around and say "Hey you with the mop how would you like to wrestle tonight?" or something like "Forget working the hot dog cart, put on your trunks and get into the ring!" One guy had black trunks with the word "Sweet" written on the ass in bright pink letters. I wondered if his wife knew he borrowed her sweatpants.

The second match involved a couple of local guys in their 20's who put on a solid match. They had a lot of energy, and displayed some genuine talent. Let's hope they move beyond their current circuit and get a chance to be in the big show.

I watched four matches in total, 1 was good, 1 was fair, 2 were pretty bad. It took over 2 hours to watch 4o minutes of actual wrestling. Oscar and his friend were long gone by the time Ric Flair go onto the microphone. Ric Flair was there to coach his son as he begins his professional career. The kid has the look and the moves, but he needs to work on his showmanship.

Ric Flair ended up in a long winded dialogue with John Cena's father inside the ring. After about 10 minutes of boring banter I turned to Nick and said "I'm outta here". I told his wife it was nice to meet here, and then I headed for the door. I looked around for souvenirs and didn't see anything worthwhile. I then left the arena and headed for my car. In the parking garage I saw a bunch of other people who left the show early. The main event hadn't even started yet, and several people just didn't care to wait around. Nick summarised the night best when he saw Honky Tonk and Greg Valentine and uttered "My childhood memories have just been shattered."

The event was organized by Big Time Wrestling. Apparently they have some affiliation with the WWE. They made mention of WWE personalities and story lines, but the production values were pretty low. In fact that was without a doubt the single worst wrestling show I have ever seen. Which started the following series of texts with Oscar

• Oscar: "That was the worst match ever. Wow dude wow"
• Me: "Worse than hogan vs ultimate warrior?"
• Oscar: "Worse. I have seen corpses move better. I mean it corpses."

On the bright side I did see a few legends: Honky Tonk Man (who looks pretty good for his age) Greg the Hammer Valentine (who looks like an old woman and moves like one too) Tito Santana, Bob Backlund, and Ric Flair.

In June Rowdy Roddy Piper is scheduled to appear in CT. I mentioned it to a few of my buddies to see if anyone is interested in going. I think maybe next time I'll go to the pre-show meet and greet session and skip the show altogether. Piper is a major icon to me. When I think of wrestling greats Hot Rod ranks among the best. In an unscripted match I have no doubt that he would beat Hogan easily. The chance to shake his hand and take a picture together is worth the 70 mile ride to the arena.

I did have fun at the show, not because of the performances, but because of the sheer ridiculousness of the proceedings. Nick and I also determined that Oscar is no longer allowed to plan anything... ever.

I left my cell phone in my other car...

A couple of days ago I bumped into a former co-worker. A decent, likeable, church going, overly friendly type who I hadn't seen in over ten years.

Have you ever had a chance encounter with an old friend and within minutes realize you don't have all that much to talk about? We caught up on who was working where, a quick update on his wife and kids, and some chatter about former co-workers. And that was pretty much it. Nearly 11 years apart, and we were all caught up in about 10 minutes.

Then came that awkward moment where you feel compelled to exchange numbers so that at some point in the future you might make plans for dinner or a drink. I paused for a moment and thought about saying I left my phone in the car, which would make it just impossible to get his number. He had his phone at the ready of course, which was obvious by the bluetooth clipped to his ear.

On the one hand I was glad to see him, and find out things are going well in his life. At the same time we've managed to go this long without so much as an e-mail and still remain on good terms. Why mess up a friendship that works by actually spending time together?

I can see Russia from my house!

I'm not very active politically. In fact I've only recently registered to vote. I do however want to make some statement before the inauguration of President-Elect Barack Obama. Not about Mr. Obama but about the historic election that took place two months ago. In particular about Governor Sarah Palin.

I know a lot of women who cringe at the mention of Governor Palin. They see her as a huge step backward for the modern American woman. Many felt she was clueless about international policy, completely unsuited for the job of Vice President, and way too cutesy to be taken seriously.

The following opinion I'm going to give probably won't prove popular, but I'd rather be honest than pander. I think Governor Palin is much smarter and capable than she let on. And that she is, in fact, capable of handling the duties of America's Veep.

I can remember the election campaigns going back to the late 70's, and often candidates would play the role of simple small town folk to gain votes. Jimmy Carter played up the fact that he was a peanut farmer from Georgia with a mild demeanor. He was also a millionaire, state senator, and governor with enough savvy to gain the top job in the country.

Ronald Reagan was an aw shucks cowboy with the ability to relate to the average person. He too was a millionaire, Governor, actor, and Hollywood personality.

George H.W. Bush positioned himself as a Texas farmer going against the "Media Elite" during the 1992 election. He was also head of the C.I.A. and a billionaire oil magnate. He was about as elite as it gets in this world.

Every one of these guys made it to the top office by playing up their regular guy personalities. This strategy worked for decades up through the 1996 national elections. This is where I think things changed dramatically. By 1997 the average American became more savvy to the media and the sheer volume of bullshit that was thrown their way. Thanks to the Internet, cell phones, Wikipedia, Google and many other tools we were able to find out a lot more than the candidates were telling us. And we could share it instantly with everyone we knew.

The McCain-Palin strategy team made a huge miscalculation when reading the mood of the
American people. McCain came across as a cranky old man out of touch with the average person and with modern technology. They positioned Palin as the small town girl, former beauty queen, who managed to become governor through spunk and a winning personality. And that was a major mistake.

The modern American woman, in my opinion, sees herself as strong, independent, intelligent, knowledgeable, qualified to handle any task or situation that presents itself. So watching Mrs. Palin come across as Governor Barbie was a major slap in the face of female voters. The Republican team dumbed down Governor Palin to increase her appeal, and instead turned off millions of voters.

I don't think Governor Palin deserved all the ridicule she received. Much of the fault lies with the outdated strategy the Republican team used. If she runs for President in 2012 she will need to change her image drastically.

Shut up and bleed!

I don't usually review movies, I leave that up to these fine folks:
http://usednews4u.blogspot.com/
http://deathrayweekly.com/
http://thestarwarsloversfilmblog.blogspot.com/
http://mybodymovies.blogspot.com/

But tonight I saw a movie so bad I started composing this blog during the first act. That movie was The Spirit. My buddy Steve and I decided to see a movie today; I figured we'd watch The Spirit since we're both fans of graphic novels. I went in with low expectations and was surprised at just how awful this movie is.

Let me put it this way: The Spirit is shit.

Without a doubt the worst movie I saw in 2008. This is opening weekend, a Saturday showing, and 15 people bought tickets. 3 of the 15 walked out before it was half over. Steve and I both contemplated leaving, but neither spoke up, so we sat there stupefied.

I can count three things this movie has going for it:

• The Wolverine trailer before the feature film
• Impressive visuals
• Eva Mendes' incredibly hot body

This quote will some up what I'm feeling:

"The only halfway interesting question is why the thing exists at all" A.O. Scott

The Princess Bride of Frankenstein

I love movies, I like puns, and I have wacky imaginative friends. When you mix the three you get a list of puntastical movie titles that will bring you a laugh or two. The problem is once you get started you open the floodgates and the ideas start flying around pretty fast. Enjoy the list, I credited the authors accordingly, they deserve credit for their cleverness.

Since it's my blog I'll list my stuff first:
The Breakfast Club Dread
Serenidipity
A League of their own Extraordinary Gentlemen
Smokey and the Time Bandits
The Fast and the Furian
The Da Vinci Code of Vengeance
Soul Men in Black
Eagle Eye Cherry
The Secret Life of Bea Arthur
Hellboy 2: Golden Army of Darkness
Apollo the 13th
Sex & the Chipmunks
You Don't Mess with the Zoolander
Weekend at Mississippi Burning

My friend Marissa contributed the following:
Don't be a Menace to South Central while Drinking Your Beetlejuice
Children of 3 Men and a Baby
View to a Kill a Mockingbird
7,8,9 to 5
Super Mario Brothers McMullen
Interview with the Vampire in Brooklyn
Land Before a Time to Kill

Chris the Sanman offered up these gems:
Huey Lewis and the Newsies
Executive Decision Beneath the Planet of the Apes
Little Big League of Extraordinary Gentlemen
Bridges of Orange County to Terabithia

My buddy Sean added the following:
Madagascarface
Fast Times at Ridgemont High School Musical
Down and out in Beverly Hills Chihuahua
First Night at the Roxbury
Dark Knights Tale
Freaky Friday the 13th
Three Men and Rosemary's Baby
There will be Bloodsport
Wild Wild Westworld
Madness of King Ralph
Spy Kids who Shagged Me
Animal House on Haunted Hill
Judgement Night at the Roxbury

Sean & Chris separately came up with:
A Nightmare before Christmas on Elm Street

Sean & I both had this idea:
The Rocky Balboa Picture Show

When I told Sean I was posting this list he warned me that I had opened the floodgates of ideas and he came up with these on the spot:
Apple Dumpling Gangs of New York
Freejack City

As I sit here trying to come up with an ending for this post, all I keep thinking about is: Dan Akroyd and Kiss in Doctor Detroit Rock City, and Bill Cosby in Ghostbuster Dad. I guess there is no end to this list.

I am the Monarch of the sea...

Last weekend I had the chance to see Raiders of the Lost Ark on the big screen. I've seen the movie before, but it was always on TV, watching it in a theater gave me a different perspective. I don't refer to it by the bastardized title "Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark" because technically speaking Indy is one of the raiders. Sure Belloq and the Nazi's had some evil intentions, but Indy entered the well with Sallah to reach the Ark first.

I hadn't seen Raiders in it's entirety since high school, so there were whole sequences I had forgotten about. It was almost like seeing the movie for the first time, and I was surprised at how well the movie holds up. It's still funny, fast paced, and entirely enjoyable. If it were a new movie, I would place it near the top of my list for best movie of the year.

After the show we made a few quips about the onscreen action. Here are few things I thought about during and after the movie:

• Government Agents: Now Doctor Jones you and Abner Ravenwood were very close for many years, why exactly did you lose touch?
• Indy: I've been wondering that for ten years. He was my mentor and best friend for so long. He taught me more about Archeology than any one else. We were inseparable... then I banged his teenaged daughter and dumped her. After that he wouldn't return my phone calls or letters... he never bothered to explain why our friendship ended. It's the one mystery I've never been able to solve.

• Sallah: Asps! Very dangerous. You go first!
• Digger: Hey Indy, me and the other guys were wondering if you could grab a few snakes on the way back up. We've been digging all night without a break and we're kinda hungry. It would be great if you could bring up four decent sized snakes. We'll get the water boiling while you and Sallah desecrate the Well of Souls.
• Indy: Snakes! Why did it have to be snakes?
• Digger: Don't be a baby about it, just snap their necks when you get down there, then stuff them in your pockets before we pull you up.

• Indy: I've been wondering, all through this adventure you keep getting kidnapped, when I come to save you you're wearing a new outfit. When I get captured I get a vicious beating... what's going on?
• Marion: Maybe if you put out they'd treat you better.

• Belloq: How odd that it should end this way for us, after so many stimulating encounters. I almost regret it. Where shall I find a new adversary so close to my own level?
• Indy: Try the local sewer.
• Belloq: You and I are very much alike..... Archaeology is our religion. Yet we have both fallen from the pure faith. Our methods have not differed as much as you pretend. I am a shadowy reflection of you. It would take only a nudge to make you like me, to push you out of the light.
• Indy: Now you're getting nasty... I have a strange feeling that many years from now Christian Bale and Heath Ledger are going to have a similar conversation.

• Indy: Hey Lando why are we stopped... er... I mean Katanga, why did you stop the ship.
• Captain Katanga: There's a German U-boat on the starboard side. Maybe you should go hide while I deal with the Imperial troopers.
• Colonel Dietrich: We will search your ship, capture Dr. Jones, and take the Ark.
• Captain Katanga: Dr. Jones isn't on the ship, you can have the Ark, but leave the girl she's very valuable where we are going.
• Colonel Dietrich: We'll take whatever we want, and you'll be lucky if we don't sink your vessel.
• Captain Katanga: This deal is getting worse by the minute!

Anyone who is a fan of Indiana Jones and Star Wars have noticed the similarities between the movies. Han = Indy, Leia = Marion, Chewbacca = Sallah, Colonel Dietrich = Grand Moff Tarkin, Hitler = Palpatin, Katanga = Lando, Toht + Belloq = Darth Vader.

Which proves my theory that George Lucas only had a couple of good ideas back in the 70's and he's been milking them ever since.

A disturbance in the Force...

This morning before I left for work I decided to leave the living room door shut. I usually leave it open, but I didn't know how cool it would get tonight, and it made sense to shut the door to keep the area warm.

When I came home I had the sense that something was different. I noticed that some of the stuff on my bookshelf was moved. As soon as I noticed Anakin Skywalker lying flat on the shelf, I knew something had disturbed my inner sanctum.

I heard a light tapping sound coming from the steps that lead from the living room to the back hallway. At first I thought it might be the dog scratching around trying to get attention. Then a black bird flew from the darkened steps into the living room. With my lightning quick Ninja-like reflexes I left the room to find someone else to deal with the bird.

For some reason my nephew/neighbor Will wasn't around to handle this situation. Even if he were against killing the bird, he could let his pit bull loose to eat the intruder. It wouldn't be the first small animal Tiny has consumed, in fact he was instrumental in dealing with the squirrel infestation of 2004.

With no one to give an assist I realized it was up to me to take care of this pesky problem. There was no time to figure out how the bird got in, the only goal was to get rid of it ASAP. I opened the living room window, and figured the bird would instinctively fly out. No dice! He decided to go exploring in my apartment instead. All day he was trapped between the living room and the back stairs, and now he had the chance to look around. While he was in the hall closet, I went around shutting doors and turning off lights, then I blocked the path to the front hall. He flew to the living room and stopped on the coffee table. He then leapt to the window sill. I then waved my hands toward him and he flew out of the window. I figured with the bird gone, things could return to normal...

Yesterday I had poured a soda while watching a movie, and left the empty ice tray on the coffee table. I planned to fill the tray and put it back in the freezer, but I never got around to it. When I picked up the tray today I noticed the bird had left me several surprises. The bastard pooped in my ice tray... IN MY ICE TRAY... lousy son-of-a-bitch!!

You win this round Mr. Bird.

I couldn't find the exact species of bird that visited me today, so I used a picture of a pterodactyl instead. Just imagine the pterodactyl much smaller, black, covered in spots, and pooping in my ice tray.